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Bumper Snickers * Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it. * Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. * Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans. * If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. * I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. * Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. * If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. * Reality is a figment of your imagination. * Life is just one of those things. * Don't use force; use a bigger hammer. * You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. * I can handle pain until it hurts. * Live teddy bears are best. * Nothing is illegal until you get caught. * The ultimate reason is 'because.' * I'm objective; I object to everything. * You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. * Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. | ||||||||||||||||
| SMALL JOKES | |||||||||||||||||
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Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God to Man: "So you would love her." "But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies: "So she would love you." God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece. Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids What's the difference between government bonds and men? > >>> Bonds mature. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? > >>> E.T. phoned home. How are men like noodles? > >>> They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why do men like BMWs? > >>> They can spell it. What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? > >>> Men always miss them. Why are men like popcorn? > >>> They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men and spray paint alike? > >>> One squeeze and they're all over you. Why are men like blenders? > >>> You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why is food better than men? > >>> Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. Why do so many women fake orgasm? > >>> Because so many men fake foreplay. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? > >>> They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes. Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? >>>>At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? > >>> Slow. What is the difference between men and pigs? > >>> Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. | ||||||||||||||||
| I'VE LEARNED | |||||||||||||||||
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I've learned........ that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. I've learned- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned- that you can keep going long after you can't. I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned- that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned- that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you need to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned- that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. | ||||||||||||||||
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